Strength to Be Me

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection recently.

Recently, I had to do a presentation for work that I was really nervous about. As I practiced it, I felt myself slipping into the “try to be funny so they’re laughing WITH you and not AT you” defense mode. I’m not funny in that mode so it makes it all a lot worse and then I get more and more nervous.

So – I felt myself constantly reminding myself to just be me. If they didn’t respond well to me being me – then they weren’t worth the energy I was putting into getting them to like me. There’s this part of me that really believes that I need people to like me to respect and listen to me. I mean, that’s probably not true, but it makes it A LOT easier. Right? The whole catch more flies with honey than vinegar thing.

When I finally got to do the presentation and the time after, I felt this huge relief of just letting go. I spoke my mind and didn’t worry about what people thought – and I think they respected me more for it.

That’s a hard thing to do though. I mean, I’m 29 years old and just now I have this self confidence to let my barriers down and just be the raw version of me. It makes me wonder, where did this self-confidence come from? And – it’s not just being confident, it’s being comfortable with me.

My parents laid a strong foundation, and my coworkers have helped, but the one person that deserves the most credit is my husband.

I think a lot of the time, people put up those walls around who they really are because of fear of rejection – right? And rejection is hard, but I think rejection is tied into a person’s fear of being totally alone. Alone physically and emotionally.

My husband is my absolute best friend. I savor the times where we laugh so hard we cry over the smallest things. I love going out and sharing the smallest observations and events with him (like the goofy little bird taking a bath in the puddle as we drive past). Having someone that I trust totally and completely to be there for me is such a wonderful feeling.

Remember group projects back in school? I was always the kid who got stuck with the slackers. I’d wind-up doing everything, because I couldn’t count on the others to pull their weight.

Being married, at first was like being in a group project and hoping that the new kid could pull their weight. Then, as time goes by, you see that they can and will without you having to ask, but you ask anyway because there’s still that doubt there. Now, having been married for 5 years, that doubt it gone. I know Husband will be there. I know in my soul that I have someone that loves me and supports me in a way I never knew was possible.

Having this relationship with Husband has been so healing for me. Before, I had high levels of anxiety. I worried too much about the smallest things. Now, I have the strength and confidence to be me. So Superman gets his powers from the Sun and is able to be this awesome superhero, right? I mean,  I feel that Husband is my Sun and because of him I can be the superhero of my own story.

Husband is my home. I can face each day and grow as a person because I know that I can always go home.

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