Do you all remember the song I posted about back in July? The song about vampires? Okay, if not here’s a bit of background: The song is called Die Vampire, Die! From a broadway show. The whole point of the song is that being an artist of any kind (singer, songwriter, creative writer, painter…) is hard. It’s hard to create and even harder when people doubt you. They tell you how unimportant your work is – and while that can fuel you, too much of it can really take it’s toll. BUT, the worse vampires (and vampires in this case are people who beat down on you and your creativity) are these vampires…
The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough
Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole,
but if the vampire inside my head says it,
It’s the voice of reason.
And those damn vampires are the ones who have been flying around in my head the last few days. It’s been brutal. Work has been super busy and then I come home and bust it working on my Harry Potter paper. But then Husband comes home (and I want to make clear that he is NEVER EVER a vampire to me) and he tells me about the babies he helped save in the hospital that day or the person who he gave some ice too and it made a world of difference to them. And I compare myself to him. I see my Husband as a superhero (and to me he is one) but I don’t see myself like that. And in swoop the vampires…
So – I finally broke down (crying) to Husband about this this morning. I told him that he doesn’t make me feel unimportant but I compare myself to him and I see him learning to save lives in nursing school and me making salads. I see him going to get a degree that promises to help us out finically in the future and I see my degree as fluff.
And this is what husband did: He let me cry and then told me that I am important and amazing. That sure I make salads, but that’s not bad. I’m getting through school and that he couldn’t do what I do. That when people ask him what I do and he tells them they are all impressed. He told me that he saw a quote the other say that I need to remember – it goes along the lines of everything has genius in it, if you ask a fish to climb a tree sure, it’ll fail – but it can breath underwater! And that’s it’s own kind of genius.
I know I married the right man when he can help me slay my vampires of despair. All I have to do is just keep swimming…